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Posts Tagged ‘engaged’

A few weeks ago I watched this amazing documentary produced by the BBC called, “Life”. It aired on the Discovery Channel and it was narrated by Oprah Winfrey. There was this one especially cool episode dedicated to a bird called the Vogelkop Bowerbird.

What makes this bird so interesting is that the male of this species is extremely pussy-whipped. To attract a female it builds a structure called a “Bower”, a cone-shaped hut-like structure with a “front lawn”. The bird complete clears all of the debris at the entrance of the hut and then carpets it neatly with moss. This is his blank canvas

 

The bird then proceeds to decorates his lawn and entrance with all kinds of colorful objects, like flowers, dead shinny beetles, whatever, and actually arranges them in a pretty artistically way in order to attract a female.

The female Bowerbird will spot this desperate need for attention and swoops down upon the lawn to critique his work. If she admires the decor, then she’ll stroll inside the bower and the two will knock boots like it’s going out of style. However if she finds the decor to be be borish or uninteresting, she’ll raise up and fly the hell away, laughing at him.

Watching this display at the same time amazed and disgusted me, aghast as such a display wussiness. All I could think about is how if I witnessed this event I would seriously consider shooting the male with buckshot and put him out of his fool misery.

So then last week a friend and co-worker of mine, named Dana, passed by my desk and asked me what I was up to for the weekend. I told her how I had prepped for Stefania’s move to California by moving into a new place.

“Really?” She said.

Yep!” I replied proudly. “It’s a two bedroom house near Venice Beach, right off Rose, so she’ll have all these cool places to walk to. This weekend I’m gonna be clearing out my storage so that I could give her the second bedroom, for her clothes and stuff. And I had the previous tenant leave this cool little desk that will make a bitchin’ make-up table for Stef and…”

I trailed off as I slowly began thinking of the Vogelkop Bowerbird. Almost on cue, Dana says with a big fat “gotcha moment” grin.

“You’re NESTING!”

Daaaamn it.

I believe in life on other planets; and I suspect there also exist at least one Alien zoologist who has dedicated his live to the study of human beings in the Venice, Ca area. He’s probably set up cameras in and around my new crib, invisible to me due to his advanced technology.

He will edited and broadcast the video on his home planet of me, with Oprah narrating, of course, ’cause that bitch is everywhere these days.

Somewhere out in the Universe, an alien couch potato will sit and watch a documentary of me “nesting”. He will be amazed and aghast at my display of pussitude. I know what you’re thinking…

“Dude… Somewhere in the Universe? Try your boys right down here in Earth. You punk…”

Go pound sand.

If you like the Bowerbird illustration, you can find it here...

If you like the Bogelkop illustration, go here.  
http://www.sallyelford.co.uk/prints/vogelkop-bowerbird

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[Cover of Engagement Card given to us by Fox Feature Post Production.]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009

Hey, when it comes to hooking up with a gal overseas, there are a lot of cons, but it has an upside as well. For example…

“Will you marry me?  YOU WILL? Say, that’s just great!  Wow, look at the time. Gotta catch a plane. See ya next year!”

(I’m kidding. Stefi reads this blog, you know.)

“When’s the big day?”  We’re clueless on this question. Not that we’re being lazy, but the US Government has a process that makes answering this question impossible at this time.  Here’s how it seems to be going down…

1.Stefi and I apply for a Fiancé Visa after Thanksgiving. (Can’t apply for this visa and visit the US as a tourist at the same time.)

2.We wait For eight damn months to hear, “Yes”or “No”.

3.During this time, Stefi has to get a series of shots, just to make sure she doesn’t infect the West Coast of the United States of America with Ebola. You understand.

4.While Stefi receives painful injections, Greg sits at home watching old episodes of “Law & Order” and eating Taco flavored Doritos.

5.Visa is approved. Stef now has 3 months to move to the US.

6.Stef arrives in the US, we now have 3 months to jump the broom!

7. OPTION 1: We procrastinate and don’t get married in time. A bunch of Republicans toss a crate onto my lawn and shoot at it with handguns, thus venting it with “air holes”. They then ship Stefi’s butt on a slow boat back to Italy.

8.OPTION 2: Stef and I get married the minute she lands in LA, at a court house, just to get Lou Dobbs off of our backs.

9.We then have a proper wedding in Milan. (maybe? Whatever she wants. Stefi’s day)

10.  Cleveland Reception with ribs and kick ball (MY day, damn it!)

11. Weird faux joke wedding/reception in Los Angeles.

Now, how simple is that?  Time for us to meet in Ohio so she can meet the family. Red Eye flight for me tonight. I get in Saturday morning, Stef arrives later that night!

Be good, Cleveland.

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The guy wearing cop glasses is me, Greg. The dish in the cool specs is my beautiful fiancé, Stefania, who lives in Milan, Italy…  For now!

November 19, 2009

This is my first blog entry and it has nothing to do with “Reflections On The Lake”. That was the title that came with my iWeb template and I was too lazy to try to come up with anything better.  Plus the picture above was snapped above Lake Como, so it kind of works. Whatever. Screw you.

The last time I kept a blog I ended up with a pretty decent start to a manuscript, which I just finished last Saturday. So I thought I’d capitalize on my next adventure (getting married) by blogging about it, as well.  I figure if all hell breaks loose I’ll at least get some decent literary material out of it and maybe make some dough.

So let’s get the obvious bullshit out of the way…

She’s white. I’m black.

She’s Italian. I’m American.

She from Milan. I’m from Cleveland.

She’s relatively sane. I root for the Browns.

She’s hot. I’m engaged to somebody who is hot.

My life is a CBS sitcom. All I need is a job at UPS and I’m set. In the upcoming episode, Greg n’ Stefi fly to Cleveland for Thanksgiving so she can meet the family and old friends; and they can meet her. It’s all very exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time, like having sex with Ann Coulter.

…Allegedly.

At some point during my proposal to Stef, I told her that she would either marry me or she’d end up handcuffed to a water pipe in my parents basement. Either way, she wasn’t going anywhere. She wisely chose the former. However I thought it might be a good idea to show her that water pipe anyway, just for grins and to keep her azz in check. Hence, the trip to Cleveland.

(Jus’ kidding, honey!)

Since we have to deal with the US Government to obtain a Fiancé Visa (something I fear will become a large part of this blog) we’ve got at least a good year ahead of us before we actually get hitched, so this blog won’t be going away anytime soon. Unless she wises up and dumps me, at which point this would become a blog of pure unadulterated vitriol and rage. So it’s win / win.

This is not going to be an easy transition, especially for Stefi, who is giving up the most.  It would be easier for both of us to find someone closer, at least in the same country, so we are obviously very much stupidly in love to go through all this.  And wouldn’t have it any other way.

Feel free to subscribe and read up on us. Should be fun. If you don’t subscribe, go pound sand. See if I care.

Here we go! 

Unbreakable ~ Alicia Keys


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