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Archive for the ‘engaged’ Category

These days people will throw that “Nazi” card just as soon as lookin’ at ya.

Any and all acts committed by these goose-stepping idiots, both innocuous and criminal, have become the metaphor flavors of the month. If there’s an idea you disagree with all you need is five good minutes on the Internet and you’ll soon discover that some Nazi has already tried it. HUZZAH! You’ve just found your counter argument.

Sucker: “How ‘bout Beef Bourguignon for dinner tonight?”

Adversary: “You mean the same Beef Bourguignon storm troopers consumed as they plundered Paris?”

Sucker:“Ah. Okay. I’ll assume Pierogies are also off the table, too.”

I’m as guilty as the next guy of this sin. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve compared Rumsfeld, Cheney & Libby to guys like Goebells, Göring & Himmler I’d be out of debt and own better shoes.

However recently I’ve made an effort not to use tragic world events to vilify my rivals. Instead, I use them to put my life in its proper perspective. As I sit at work, at 8pm on a Friday night feeling sorry for myself, I think about how it beats patrolling IED inundated roads in Afghanistan for a living. I remind myself that I’m working on “Diary Of A Wimpy Kid 2” (coming to a theater near you soon) on the historic 20th Century Fox back-lot and I quickly get over myself.

***

When speaking to our friends and family of our Visa journey thus far, Stef and I are often presented with the following Mrs. Kravitz-like statements and/or questions…

You two have been apart for THAT long?!  Jeeeezus!

With such little time spent with together, how do you know you two can live with each other?

Wow, I don’t know how you guys stay together during all of this. I’m surprised you haven’t broken up yet.

…And you’re sure he (or she) have stayed faithful?

You’ve spent HOW much money on lawyers/government fees/travel?!

If you had to do it all over, I bet you wouldn’t do this again.

Really?  The last statement is the kicker. As if Stefania would respond…

“No, I wouldn’t do it again. It’s not worth it, but I’m stuck now because the Negro bought me a ring.” *

*Note: this sentence was NOT written in Stefania’s voice. She’s never referred to me as a “Negro” although the idea does tickle me. I will slyly attempt to implement this word into her new English vocabulary. We’ll now return to the blog entry currently in progress.

They mean well, and I don’t deny that the time away from each other does suck. The lack of physical contact is enough to make a man go loopy. I talk to myself a LOT these days. It’s been a bit hellish, yet couples have endured worse.

I was raised in a predominantly Jewish community outside of Cleveland, and one gets to hear many a tragic Holocaust story over those years. But every now and then I’d hear a bitter-sweet tale about how a victim endured and survived the atrocities of those wicked days, fueled only by the hope of seeing their loved ones again, alive. He or she reaches the other side of the insanity and, shockingly, finds a loved-one who also miraculously lived to tell the tale.

So this is me now pulling the serious Nazi card…

Yes, going through the Fiancée Visa process has been incredibly stressful, but it beats us attempting to cheat death at Dachau and Buchenwald, each praying that the other is still alive. Brave couples have endured much worse, so I think we can handle the distance just fine. I think we can handle buying tickets to Italy just fine. I think we can handle the US Consulate in Naples, just fine.  We’re good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shave and put on a clean shirt, I have a Skype date this morning.

Eh… Maybe I’ll just disable my camera.

And that, as I like to say, is the gist of it.

[Calvin & Hobbes “Best Friends” illustration by Space Coyote]

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The distance between Milan and Los Angeles is 6032 miles (that’s 9708 in Kilometers). Stef and I only get to see each other every 4 months or so, if we’re lucky. Given the fact that couples living under the same roof worry about drifting apart, it’s safe to say that we work hard to keep it together.

Communication is key, so devices like my smart phone and laptop (utilizing skype) are like gold, as is my provider. And what provider do I relying on to help keep me in touch with my fiancé? In which company’s hands do I place the health of my long distance relationship?

Bastards.

AT&T stands for American Telephone & Telegraph, and you can bet your bottom dollar that they’ll never add a “C” to their acronym because their cell phone service sucks balls. I can’t even get reception in my office building, which is in the middle of Los Angeles! I could understand not having reception if i worked for, say, UNICEF.

Yeah. If I’m in the middle somebody’s desert, handing out Antiretroviral drugs to an indigenous starving tribe, yes, I can understand needing a damn satellite phone. But I don’t! I work next to a Mall that contains a Fuddruckers.

FUDDRUCKERS!

~

Last Saturday morning, I apparently missed a bunch of Stef’s calls. I say “apparently” because I my phone registered no missed calls or voice mails.  The only reason I knew of the missed calls was because Stef sent me a text…

“I tried to call you, but you must be busy. I’m going to bed.”

Of course I called her straight away because it seemed as though the text had just been sent. It’s almost midnight in Italy, but no way she’s asleep because she just texted me. Right?  So, I call. I get her voice mail. I leave a message. I shoot her a text [“call me!”] and I wait.

Nothing.

So now I’m a bit concerned. I wasn’t sure how to read into her text. It could’ve been a “guilt trip” text. Right?  My imagination goes stupid and I now have it in my head that she’s pissed at me. So I shoot off another text where I apologize… Again.

Nothing. No response.

So after 30 minutes I’m wondering, WTF?  At that moment my iPhone buzzes to life. I read the following seemingly cold  text…

“Sorry I missed your call.”

That’s it?  …What the hell was that?  She’s still awake?! Why didn’t she just me call back? What does she mean by “call”, singular? I sent texts, too!  Is she messing with my head?

So now I’M pissed!

It’s obviously to me that she’s trying to teach me a lesson. She wants me to see how it feels to have calls ignored. Well, I wasn’t gonna play her game! So I threw caution to the wind and I lit into her with a text.

“HEY!  I missed your calls by accident!  But you’re doing this crap on purpose and I’m not in the mood for this shit! Call me whenever you want. I don’t care anymore. I’m done.”

Of course after getting that text she calls me right back. And whoooo baby! The gal calls me back loaded for bear!

“Hey, man!  What’s with this bullshit text you sent  me?”

All hell breaks lose and we argue like idiots. But the cool thing about us is that we both realize that life is waaaay too short for this kind of nonsense, so we end the fight relatively quickly. Without either of us really understanding what the hell just happened, the issue is squashed.

~

Nine hours later…

I’m in bed, half asleep, when and all of a sudden my iPhone buzzes to life, my text alarm BLARING six times in a row in rapid succession, way too fast for a human to type and send.

Sure enough, I pick up my phone and I discover that AT&T has just vomited up six text messages from Stefania that she had sent NINE HOURS EARLIER!

It turns out that “Sorry I missed your call” was only a partial message, AT&T was only just now sending me the complete message, which went something like this…

“Sorry I missed your call.  I’m very tired from working and I need to sleep. I tried to contact you, but you must have been very busy today. That’s okay. Thank you so much for understanding. Ti amo. Stef…

Now here’s me…

Damn. I mean… Damn.

So of course I had to call and apologize. So of course she proceeds to bust my balls.

“Yes. This is how my future husband speaks to me? Eh?  Bravo! Congratulations! You woke me up with that text! Ma…  “

Ugh…

Okay. I admit that I  allowed my imagination to run wild, but it still pisses me off to know that if I had Sprint  this wouldn’t have happened.

Hey AT&T, Seriously, I’m stupid enough on my own; and I already have the language and cultural hurdles to jump, I don’t need you jerks adding fuel to my fire. And as for you, Steve Jobs, screw your iPad and the horse you rode in on. If you don’t get rid of AT&T I’m jumpin’ on the Droid bandwagon just as quick as you can say Jack Robinson.

(sigh)

At the end of the day, I met Stef via the internet, so I can’t hate.

Technology… Can’t live with it. Can’t live without it.

And that’s, as I like to say, the gist of it.

*

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[Cover of Engagement Card given to us by Fox Feature Post Production.]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009

Hey, when it comes to hooking up with a gal overseas, there are a lot of cons, but it has an upside as well. For example…

“Will you marry me?  YOU WILL? Say, that’s just great!  Wow, look at the time. Gotta catch a plane. See ya next year!”

(I’m kidding. Stefi reads this blog, you know.)

“When’s the big day?”  We’re clueless on this question. Not that we’re being lazy, but the US Government has a process that makes answering this question impossible at this time.  Here’s how it seems to be going down…

1.Stefi and I apply for a Fiancé Visa after Thanksgiving. (Can’t apply for this visa and visit the US as a tourist at the same time.)

2.We wait For eight damn months to hear, “Yes”or “No”.

3.During this time, Stefi has to get a series of shots, just to make sure she doesn’t infect the West Coast of the United States of America with Ebola. You understand.

4.While Stefi receives painful injections, Greg sits at home watching old episodes of “Law & Order” and eating Taco flavored Doritos.

5.Visa is approved. Stef now has 3 months to move to the US.

6.Stef arrives in the US, we now have 3 months to jump the broom!

7. OPTION 1: We procrastinate and don’t get married in time. A bunch of Republicans toss a crate onto my lawn and shoot at it with handguns, thus venting it with “air holes”. They then ship Stefi’s butt on a slow boat back to Italy.

8.OPTION 2: Stef and I get married the minute she lands in LA, at a court house, just to get Lou Dobbs off of our backs.

9.We then have a proper wedding in Milan. (maybe? Whatever she wants. Stefi’s day)

10.  Cleveland Reception with ribs and kick ball (MY day, damn it!)

11. Weird faux joke wedding/reception in Los Angeles.

Now, how simple is that?  Time for us to meet in Ohio so she can meet the family. Red Eye flight for me tonight. I get in Saturday morning, Stef arrives later that night!

Be good, Cleveland.

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