A few weeks ago I watched this amazing documentary produced by the BBC called, “Life”. It aired on the Discovery Channel and it was narrated by Oprah Winfrey. There was this one especially cool episode dedicated to a bird called the Vogelkop Bowerbird.
What makes this bird so interesting is that the male of this species is extremely pussy-whipped. To attract a female it builds a structure called a “Bower”, a cone-shaped hut-like structure with a “front lawn”. The bird complete clears all of the debris at the entrance of the hut and then carpets it neatly with moss. This is his blank canvas
The bird then proceeds to decorates his lawn and entrance with all kinds of colorful objects, like flowers, dead shinny beetles, whatever, and actually arranges them in a pretty artistically way in order to attract a female.
The female Bowerbird will spot this desperate need for attention and swoops down upon the lawn to critique his work. If she admires the decor, then she’ll stroll inside the bower and the two will knock boots like it’s going out of style. However if she finds the decor to be be borish or uninteresting, she’ll raise up and fly the hell away, laughing at him.
Watching this display at the same time amazed and disgusted me, aghast as such a display wussiness. All I could think about is how if I witnessed this event I would seriously consider shooting the male with buckshot and put him out of his fool misery.
So then last week a friend and co-worker of mine, named Dana, passed by my desk and asked me what I was up to for the weekend. I told her how I had prepped for Stefania’s move to California by moving into a new place.
“Really?” She said.
“Yep!” I replied proudly. “It’s a two bedroom house near Venice Beach, right off Rose, so she’ll have all these cool places to walk to. This weekend I’m gonna be clearing out my storage so that I could give her the second bedroom, for her clothes and stuff. And I had the previous tenant leave this cool little desk that will make a bitchin’ make-up table for Stef and…”
I trailed off as I slowly began thinking of the Vogelkop Bowerbird. Almost on cue, Dana says with a big fat “gotcha moment” grin.
I believe in life on other planets; and I suspect there also exist at least one Alien zoologist who has dedicated his live to the study of human beings in the Venice, Ca area. He’s probably set up cameras in and around my new crib, invisible to me due to his advanced technology.
He will edited and broadcast the video on his home planet of me, with Oprah narrating, of course, ’cause that bitch is everywhere these days.
Somewhere out in the Universe, an alien couch potato will sit and watch a documentary of me “nesting”. He will be amazed and aghast at my display of pussitude. I know what you’re thinking…
“Dude… Somewhere in the Universe? Try your boys right down here in Earth. You punk…”
Go pound sand.
If you like the Bowerbird illustration, you can find it here... If you like the Bogelkop illustration, go here. http://www.sallyelford.co.uk/prints/vogelkop-bowerbird